I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
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Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
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Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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