I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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