I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
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Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
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I think pants incapable of making pants work
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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