Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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