Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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