I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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