i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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