ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize