Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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