In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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