I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
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There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
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She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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