Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
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I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
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He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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