oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
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i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
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She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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