in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
ugly people sure do ruin things
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
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apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
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I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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