I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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