i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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