i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
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My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
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We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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