he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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