Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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