I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just made my gag reflex go away.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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