He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
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I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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