He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
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Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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