They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
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I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
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My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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