Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
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Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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