The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize