dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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