There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
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It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
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Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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