I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I cut my penus on the lid.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
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bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
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I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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