watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
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When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
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I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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