You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
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Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
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Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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