I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
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No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
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she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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