I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
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I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
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MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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