I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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