she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
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I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
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But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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