I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
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theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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