Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
She even gives head with a lisp.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
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I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
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Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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