I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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