Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
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Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
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I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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