What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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