Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
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I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
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Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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