I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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