U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone came in the potted fern
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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