Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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