bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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