I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
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its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
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He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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