Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize