So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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