just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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