The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
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Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
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Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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