Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
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I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
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This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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